Description

Your ProfessorJohn Howard is a couples therapist, spiritual teacher and educator who teaches on the new science of relationship. He has a fun and irreverent way of helping people deepen their lives together.Class OverviewThe goal of this class is to point you in the direction of becoming experts at one another! The key is to learn how to write, read and understand the manual of your partner.How to Read the Owner’s Manual for Your PartnerEvery partner should come with an owner’s manual, ideally one we can read and understand, where the words are not in a foreign language and the pictures aren’t fuzzy. Well, we don’t come with manuals, so one of the tasks of relationship is to write that guide to our partner. The good news is, as glorified mammals, we’re not as complicated as some make us out to be. Writing the manual is not so difficult, and it can be rather short. The key is to understand what the important instructions are. Noted relationship researcher Dr. Stan Tatkin has talked about the importance of developing this manual. Know the key things, he says, and you become an expert at your partner. That is the goal of this class: To point you in the direction of becoming experts at one another!The Top 10 Big Ideas    1    There Are 2-3 Things that Piss Our Partner Off    As mammals, we have the same basic nervous system as many animals, which is to say we’re not so complicated in terms of the things that can really throw us off. Sure, we have higher-order, complex thinking, but it’s the simple things that hurt us, not a lack of agreement on 16th century philosophy. You want to identify the few things that always hurt. They typically go back to childhood. Is it having our self-value questioned? Is it failing at a task? Is it being corrected?    2    There Are 2-3 Things that Fix Our Broken Partner    The good news is that there are also 2-3 things that fix our partner. I mentioned these in the intro class of this series and they form an important page in the manual. Some of us respond to physical care, like touch or a hug. Some of us respond to being built-up and celebrated verbally (“You’re so awesome!!!”). Some of us actually prefer to be given space and not have certain things mentioned for a while. Some of us just need to be taken out for a good time to reset our emotional meter. Don’t assume, discover!    3    It is Our Job to Fix Our Partner    Yep, it’s up to us. We are the superman to our partner in relationship. We have powers no one else has, to cut through the b.s. and say the most important things. We have the most access, and our opinion means the most. A section of the manual reads, “Notice: This partner is in your care. You will need to set them upright at times when they are not able to do so for themselves (or save them a lot of time). If they are sad, you have a job to do. Take control, and work your magic.    4    What Words Make Your Partner Feel Most Loved? (Hint: Surprise!)    Here’s an interesting exercise. Take a guess at what words make your partner feel most loved. Then try them out on your partner. Most of us will miss the mark a little. That’s common. Our partner can correct us. Then we can start the interesting process of finding out what those words actually are. And they may surprise you.    5    Change Their Face    Don’t like the expression on your partner’s face? Change it! It’s so powerful when you know how to change our partner’s expression. There are many ways to do this, from tickling them, to making them laugh, to making a frowny face yourself. My favorite? Just use your hands to gently move their face muscles where you want them (with their permission of course). There. Done.    6    Go and Get Them! (Self-Activation)    Many parents don’t give their kids the influence to change their moods and behavior. When we grow up in that type of environment, we often don’t think then as adults to move in and change what we don’t like. We sit back, wait, do nothing, or complain. We criticize, without being a dynamic and supportive part of the solution. It’s not fair to criticize too much. After all, we chose each other, and everyone has weak spots. Better to jump in and support the situation yourself. Think! And act!    7    Push Each Other Around    Healthy couples have the flexibility to move in and out of states, to influence one another, and use play to change moods and behavior. Have you ever wrestled with your partner? It’s fun! We should be able to change our partner’s state. How do we do that? By moving each other around physically, intellectually, and emotionally. Change the topic (skillfully), move in closer, put on a song and start dancing with them, or just wrestle for it. Don’t get stuck. Let your partner change your mood as well.    8    Childhood Wounds    You should identify and remember the 2-3 most intense emotional wounds your partner experienced in childhood. These give you an important map into their psyche. Knowing these will also give you much more strength and patience when your partner acts irrational or goes berserk, or makes no sense around something that just happened. If it smells like one of those early wounds, back off trying to sense of anything and bring out the roses and a nice massage.    9    Why Should I Not Be Fired?    Are you good at your job, meaning what you do for work? Are you good at your partner? Dr. Stan Tatkin asks couples these questions in order to emphasize that a great relationship in large part due to your skill set. Why should you not be fired? What value do you bring to the relationship? What do you do that someone else can’t step in and do? You need to be able to make a good case for your unique value in the relationship, otherwise the door is open for other talented people to provide your partner with services.    10    I’m Good at You    The gestalt of having the owner’s manual to your partner is “I’m good at you.” I may not be good at much else, but you, I get, inside and out. Think about it. We spend more time reading novels (and some furniture assembly instructions) than we do reading and writing the manual of our partner. You’re going to be with that person for many years. Learn them! Become an expert! Get qualified, and re-take your licensing exam regularly! Remember, we’re not that complex in the places that make us feel secure or insecure in the world. The manual need not be long. But it should be clear! If you want help, check out my online program for couples at www.readysetlove.com or join the mailing list free! Good luck!—————————————————————————–5 part seriesHow to Practice the New Science of Relationship to Keep Romance Alive in Your Relationship! to Read the Owner’s Manual for Your Partner to Keep Your Relationship Strong for the Long-Term to Deconstruct Your Partner’s Emotional Tantrums