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Class OverviewAddictions can be to a substance, pattern or process and in combinations. We’ll dive into turning that around to joy, fulfillment, creativity and enthusiasm for life. Awareness leads to action. (Check out the Top 10 Big Ideas from the class below!) Your ProfessorJoelene Ashker has coached over 700 people through her customized Self-Mastery programs. Joelene helps others find their authentic voice, and assertive-power from the inside-out.How to Dissolve AddictionFree Yourself! Dissolve Addiction If we’re honest with ourselves, we all numb-out with something. Addictions can be to a substance, pattern or process and in combinations. When you numb-out and take the edge off of vulnerability, pain, uncertainty, fear, disappointment and discomfort – you’re also dulling your joy, fulfillment, creativity and enthusiasm for life. You’re dimming the light and life inside you. Think about it. Which teachers inspired you to change your life? They’re the ones who provided more than information. They assisted you in increasing your awareness, which is very personal. I began my coaching career specializing in the addiction field 10 years ago – coaching individuals, creating workshops and facilitating groups with well over 700 men and women. My intention, in service to you, is to increase your awareness about addiction. Awareness leads to action – that’s if you choose to take it. I certainly hope you do. For your own health and well-being and to increase the quality of your precious life. The Top 10 Big Ideas1Misunderstandings about Addictions Often times, people have the misunderstanding that addictions are only related to the most common – drugs and alcohol. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Are you ready? Here we go … Many highly functional and successful people have addictions ranging from substances; drugs (prescription and illegal), alcohol, caffeine, taboo and food – to sex, acquiring things, work, plastic surgery, exercise, gambling, television, anorexia/bulimia. The addiction to technology is pervasive and paralyzing communication, as we are distracted and stop relating to one another with substance, depth and human connection. There are addictions to; negative thoughts, anger/rage, depression/sadness, co-dependence, helplessness, perfection, self-sabotage, needing approval, drama/chaos, people-pleasing, extreme behaviors, getting negative attention, having titles and accomplishments, doing/over-responsibility, blaming others, gossiping and disappointment. Addictions can also be to “fixing” oneself through workshops, more education and religion. 2Learn About Blocks That Cause Addictions Common blocks are the way we think, limiting beliefs, and judgments about our lives and ourselves. I consistently hear core and common limiting beliefs that perpetuate self-abuse. Then, those thoughts (whether unconscious or conscious) feed into our feelings, behaviors and shape our character, the landscape and results in our lives. To enjoy good health, to bring true happiness to one’s family, to bring peace to all, one must first discipline and control one’s own mind. If a man can control his mind he can find the way to Enlightenment, and all wisdom and virtue will naturally come to him. * Buddha 3Why Do We Start Addictive Habits and Patterns? When we’re young we become “meaning making machines” and come to conclusions about ourselves. Then we do whatever it takes (again, whether conscious or unconscious) to adhere to those agreements, maintain and stay in “this familiar, comfort zone.” Then these erroneous conclusions and fears – even though they’re illusions – drive and motivate us. Instead of living fully from what’s truly possible for us and in our lives. These addictive habits and patterns are started because of the way we think about ourselves and about our past experiences, as coping mechanisms for our survival. It’s critical to replace these mental habits, establish new, healthy, supportive ones and cultivate a new relationship with yourself and the types of conversations you have with yourself. With self-awareness, your corresponding behaviors will change, as well. Other underlying reasons are: Avoidance and denial of our reality, avoidance of perceived emotional pain, avoidance of anxiety, stress and intimacy (disconnection from oneself and Source, Higher-Power, God = your God of choice) and pervasive feelings of unworthiness and inadequacy. Notice if there’s a drive in inside you that sounds like this, “More, more, more, then I’ll be enough, have enough, know enough, and be loved, worthy and acceptable enough.” Sound familiar? 4The Should Factor How the word “should” relates to addiction is that most people have an idealistic comparison of themselves to others and how they “should be” living their lives. What they “should be” feeling or doing, where they “should be” at this age. How others “should be,” and how the world “should be.” When those things don’t measure-up to the “shoulds” they try to control themselves and others. Then they come to negative conclusions, don’t like the way they feel, don’t know what to do with their uncomfortable feelings and turn to addictions. Most ideals we have of ourselves people and life simply aren’t real. They’re made up stories from society, culture, the media, our caregivers and peers from their perspectives. It took me a long time to learn this myself! It’s critical learn to accept the things you cannot change; muster the courage to change the things you can; and attune to your higher, innate-wisdom that knows the difference. Always know you have the power to choose what you listen to in the privacy of your own mind.5What is the “Mother-Load” of Addictions? The “Mother-Load” and reason underneath addiction is the need to control. Ouch! I know. That’s a tough one to look at and admit, isn’t it? The truth is, you can’t change what you aren’t willing to look at. Let’s face it, being okay with uncertainty and opening to the mystery of life is essential and not easy. You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you. * Brian Tracy 6How to be FREE from Addictions – Run, Run, Run! Did I get your attention? Good, please pay particular attention to this. Actually, this is what causes problems. From my years of professional experience, most people are taught to run, run, run from their feelings, “You are bad, should be ashamed, embarrassed and afraid of your feelings! Don’t cry!” Heard this before? Not only do feelings make you a relatable human being, they are essential to living fully and experiencing all the nuances of life. Learn to validate your own feelings know they are real and natural. 7Stop Running! … Away from, and tenderly, with self-compassion courageously walk through your feelings. Your feelings can’t hurt you. What can hurt you is avoidance of them. All feelings are is energy. I don’t suggest dwelling in them at all, but it’s critical to identify and shine a light on them, feel and be with them, realize they will pass and then move on. My clients tell me they come alive by practicing this healthy approach. Remember – FEAR= False Evidence Appearing Real. The monster under the bed isn’t real, when you shine a flashlight on it and take a closer look. The secret of success is learning how to use pain and pleasure instead of having pain and pleasure use you. If you do that, you’re in control of your life. If you don’t, life controls you. * Tony Robbins 8Why Do People Relapse from Addictions? When I coached in rehab centers people spent $30K-70K for 28 days to break-free. After they were released, many consistently stayed in their inner-prisons and returned back to the facility when they relapsed. I developed my Self-Mastery Programs for people (with and without addictions) because as a professional, I experienced many programs that simply were missing the mark for sustained transformation. Every step needs to build on the results of the previous step, like building blocks, building a solid, strong inner-foundation. Otherwise there’s no enthusiasm and you quit. How do I know that? I witnessed and spoke with countless people who were frustrated, hopeless and exhausted when they finally came to me and turned their lives around. Why did does relapse happen? Most people don’t get to the unconscious root cause of the issue to resolve it once and for all. And if by chance they do, they don’t have the discipline and practices in place to stay there. They simply apply a band-aid on it for temporary healing without positive focus and success from the inside out. If you keep identifying with yourself with the same old thoughts and to your destructive behaviors – you’ll stay stuck. You need to know, experience and see yourself in a new light from a fresh, higher perspective. Most people want a “quick-fix,” and they don’t have patience with themselves. We live in an instant gratification society and people want change now. Recovery is a process, not an event. If you’ve been a certain way or have had an addiction for a long time, it will take time and effort to transform. With willingness, commitment, self-discipline and support I’ve seen the worst situations heal and dissolve and where miracles were necessary, created. The good news is, if you learned a negative pattern – you can relearn another way, for the more effective one that enhances your life. So far, my oldest client was 85 years young and the youngest was 15. You too can do it! It’s never too late (or early) to liberate yourself and set yourself free! When someone doesn’t keep their word to themselves, they continually erode their self-esteem, self-reliance and self-trust. Then the cycle of self-abuse and numbing-out starts again. That’s why a success and accountability partner is vital. 9The Way to Fill the Inner-Void that Feels Insatiable … Is to create an inner-sanctuary – a place to call home. The better way to fulfill the need is to explore and dive deep into what thoughts are driving the behavior creating a hostile inner-territory. Lovingly nurture and comfort that aspect of yourself that thinks those things. Of utmost importance in healing and recovering from any addiction is learning to treat yourself with loving self-respect and honor. Everyone has a wise part of him/herself (the one who brought you here today). It’s about remembering, getting to know and cultivating a relationship with this part of you and living from this home base. It’s about knowing you’re a valuable and worthwhile human being who deserves goodness and a rich life that is always unfolding. Self-nurturing creates sustained change and results. When the problem hasn’t truly been resolved within you, you could switch addictions. For example, you may not drink anymore, but you’re a workaholic. You may not eat when you’re stressed, but instead you rage, are sad and avoid your feelings like the plague. 10The Mastery of Addiction The person who experiences addiction needs to have a willingness and commitment to daily self-discipline. I highly recommend investing time, energy and positive focus on implementing specifically designed, life-enhancing skills – that are practical and relate to you. When there’s a fork in the road and you have a choice-point of going into an addictive pattern, what will make a difference is an anchor that has a deep meaning to you. In other words, that anchor needs to have a bigger pay-off than the destructive one. A strong intention and goal will help you move you to the high road instead. Embracing all parts of yourself, including one ones you may not like, is integral to whole-hearted and well-balanced living. Why? When you’re constantly fighting with and avoiding what you don’t want to look at, that aspect gets pushed down, gets bigger and eventually fights back. Your shadow gets bigger, louder and more pervasive in your life. You can’t change or learn to manage what you don’t like or don’t want to see. Denial is a very powerful force. What does transformation take? What’s the ‘magic pill’ that most people are searching for? It comes down to one thing, the practice, practice, practice of self-awareness, honesty, self-discipline, willingness, higher-consciousness, patience, loving and acceptance of yourself. Instead of giving in to the power of the addiction, use that power to stop and redirect that energy into what you intend to create. Of course, I don’t recommend doing any of this alone. It’s very difficult to grow alone in a vacuum. Ask for and receive professional support. All the suffering, stress, and addiction comes from not realizing you already are what you are looking for. * Jon Kabat-Zinn