Description

Your ProfessorJohn Howard is a couples therapist, spiritual teacher and educator who teaches on the new science of relationship. He has a fun and irreverent way of helping people deepen their lives together.Class OverviewIn this session, you will learn the concept known as the “management of thirds”, which is one of the secrets in keeping a relationship secure for the long-term.How to Keep Your Relationship Strong for the Long-TermThere is one secret to keeping your relationship secure for the long-term. OK there are many secrets. But this class will teach you one of the most important ones that few people know about. Dr. Stan Tatkin of the PACT Institute describes this important concept as “management of thirds,” and in his view, how couples perform in this area is a big determinant of whether their relationship succeeds or fails.The Top 10 Big Ideas    1    Couples Are Jealous    This is a good thing. We want jealousy in a long-term relationship. Not the kind where one partner annoys the other, of course, but a joint jealousy held by the couple that doesn’t like other people getting in too close on the action. Some couples dismiss this jealousy, but a secret to making a relationship strong is to acknowledge and embrace it, then feed it at the right times.    2    Thirds Are Dangerous    OK that’s a little dramatic. But danger lurks in a relationship in many back alleys and dusty corners of how we interact. One of those is who or what we make more important than our partners. I can hear the collective sigh now. “Nothing is more important than my partner,” many lovers profess. But then we don’t act that way. Everything must clearly run a distant second to our partner, at least in the impressions we give one another.    3    Thirds Can Be Anything    Classic thirds are nosy mother-in-laws, hobbies only one person enjoys that take up a lot of time, and working too much. But a third can be anything. It can be a TV show your partner watches every night rather than be with you. It can be the garage. It can be your kids. It can be an incredible piece of art at the museum. Think of thirds simply as anything that commands a fair amount of attention from one or both of you.    4    Thirds Can Be Good or Bad    Bad thirds distract a partner too much from engaging in their relationship. Bad thirds compete for attention. They take the prize, become center stage and as partners we feel relegated to the custodial crew for the awards ceremony. Good thirds focus a couple’s attention. They lift the energy of the relationship, inspire both partners, and create an experience around which a couple can bond.    5    How to Manage Thirds?    Thirds don’t get in unless both partners agree. Mother-in-law is kept as far as the couple decides. Work cannot become more important than each other. The garage can’t win over your partner’s attention too many nights in a row. TV shows should be mutually enjoyed, or managed accordingly so they do not compete for time. Friends, ex-partners, kids and dogs are all second-class citizens in your empire. Partners come first and should not feel replaced or have to compete for attention. Please don’t take this too far and neglect your kids.    6    Use Positive Thirds    Thirds are positive when they build your relationship by inspiring both partners together. But don’t get too lost in the activity. Remember to interact while you are engaged in doing something together. For example, if you both want to watch an interesting TV show, turn to each other regularly and comment on it, so you are interacting as well. Go to a museum and talk to one another about the art, don’t wander separately or keep your thoughts to yourself.    7    Thirds Are Destructive    (and dangerous). More than you know. I can’t tell you how many times a couple has come to see me in my practice complaining about this and that, and underneath it all, the problem is that one partner has been demoted and replaced by something. Often unintentionally, because most people aren’t aware of this issue of thirds. But feeling like other things are more important to your partner than you are disrupts the unconscious desire we all have for ultimate security and love.    8    Use Thirds to Your Advantage    Now that you know something about thirds, use this knowledge to wield incredible power. Where other couples will flounder because they’re competing with other people, things or activities, you can ensure that your relationship is strong by keeping thirds where they belong. Now does this mean you should not do anything alone or be an independent person? No! It just means your partner needs to feel that they are first in your life. Then, do whatever you want.    9    Thirds Are Subtle    Thirds sneak in when least expected. For example, a couple goes to see a counselor. That’s a positive step, right? “We’re building our relationship,” they say. But the therapist can quickly become a bad third. How? If one partner starts telling the therapist things the other partner doesn’t know, or isn’t ready to talk about. The listening partner will feel that the therapist has been elevated to first position, and that their own desires and needs as the partner are coming second.    Kids are another way that negative thirds come in subtly. Partners often start to focus on the kids more than on their adult relationship. After all, kids are little and needy, and our partner snores and eats too much. But it’s never a good idea to put anyone before your partner, even your kids. Why? Your kids will notice the lack of connection between you and your partner. It causes them anxiety to feel that disconnect. And you need a strong relationship to parent well and teach your kids by example what real love is all about.    10    Be a Master of Thirds    Once you practice managing thirds well for a while, you’ll notice mistakes all around you. You’ll hear someone at the movie theater defending their attraction to a co-worker: “What?! It’s only human to be attracted to other people! She’s incredibly hot for crying out loud, just ask anyone!” In this case, the partner having to listen to this does not care about ‘anyone’s’ opinion or the hot co-worker, only how important he/she is as partner. We’re all like that. —————————————————————————–5 part seriesHow to Practice the New Science of Relationship to Keep Romance Alive in Your Relationship! to Read the Owner’s Manual for Your Partner to Keep Your Relationship Strong for the Long-Term to Deconstruct Your Partner’s Emotional Tantrums